The 2014 Chesfield Downs Captain's Trip @ The Bristol 

The Bristol Golf Club

Preface: It's been a while, apparently we went golfing on the Captain's Trip to The Bristol and St Mellion. Can anyone remember what happened? I can ;) So hopefully the following post and the rest of the blog will act as a reminder.

Firstly, my apologies for the delay. And please afford me the opportunity to explain. This is the third year of the blog, which is positioned as a good natured bit of banter not to be taken seriously, with a small (well maybe a large) amount of embellishment here and there. However, after the first edition came out this year it was made clear to me that I had offended a fine upstanding member of our group, who told me in no uncertain terms that he had been misrepresented. Alan, my sincerest apologies, and whilst I cannot prove it, I accept your repeated, categorical statement, that you have never been on a porn site in your life. I unreservedly apologise for the inference in my previous post that frequenting porn sites was habitual for you, clearly that is not the case.

This encounter threw me a bit, and I have thought long and hard about continuing the blog, for fear of offending another good member of the Trip! Again, Alan, my apologies.

Ok, I hope we have that cleared up and no hard feelings. Before we get on to the rest of the blog, here's a quick picture of Alan on the coach, coyishly reading The Times. I just want to make clear that even though you can see the headline "The £5 million semi", I can reassure you Alan is true to his word and the article is not porn related! I checked.

Alan not reading porn

So we all got off the coach and sought out our trolleys and bags, parked them around the back of the clubhouse and then passed time before tee off in different ways. Some worked on the putting green, some didn't. Some went to play a few holes on the Par 3 course - some shanked their way around it (think disco ball trousers and a pink shirt - Mr Archer) - ever since he had that lesson, been there too!

Anticipation was building as was the wind. But we are used to the wind playing at Chesfield, right? Most gathered for a group photo at 9.45 as per instructions but Mr Upsdale was unexpectedly delayed taking more time than expected laying cable in the gents, eventually he arrived, so here we were making a huge effort to emulate the "Teletubbies golfing society". 

Unbelievably I appear shorter than Mr Gary "Bilbo" Dabs in this shot (think he's got his heels on again), and let's be honest Glen appears to be taking the toilet pose in a Bangkok stopover!

The Round

Our four ball, Nigel, Ady, Andy Archer and yours truly, was in the group following some "serious" golfers all single digits or scratch. The wind was getting up. If you recall the first at the Bristol it is a short, gentle par 5, OB on left and a cliff (not the Jones variety) on the right, and on this day the wind was pushing the ball toward OB. We watched them tee off to smash their drives down the fairway. Unfortunately they didn't. So we watched them again :) And then they were off.

Personally I think the Bristol is a great track a little bit of Mickey Mouse here and there, where if you are short of an elevated green you can play your next from the same place, as you stand there beating yourself up internally as the golf ball laughs at you and rolls, ever so gently back down to close to where you are standing. Happened a few times in our 4 ball so am sure it would have been the case pretty much across the board! However we don't have that type of shot at home - so with more experience of the course I think that issue would be obsolete.

Did I mention it was breezy?

We plodded along but enjoyable nonetheless, I was through the back of the green on the 8th against the hedge and whiffed it as the club hit the hedge on the way back which caused much merriment to my playing bastards partners. I think we all walked off the 9th with a point between us which was impressive in a "what a bunch of twats" sort of way. Anyone remember the stripey two tone fairway? 12th I think it was where Mike's Boner proved longer than the rest and won longest drive last year. Looking down as Ady and Andy hit off and to, what I thought was missed right of the fairway. I even asked as they seemed happy with them but I could have sworn their line was right of fwy. No, no, no, they said. So I followed their line (unbelievably) and sure enough 3/4 of us ended in the rough on the right. The only one to make it to the short stuff was Archer Disco Ball Pants Man.

The lost ball

Now you may not be aware that a certain player (Jonesy) stated to our Cpt he would go through the trip without losing a ball. It didn't happen....

He of fairways, and thrifty with his balls, (just ask his his Mrs) the indomitable Mr Jones, approached the short par 3 14th with loathing and pique roiling through his veins. He had taken 3 to get down from (15 ft) just off the fringe on 13. He was absolutely fuming. Thankfully through military like training and incantation  of Dr Bob Rotella he was able to be at peace with himself, and stepped up to the tee.

Unfortunately he was following Mr Archer. Did I mention it was windy, after he hit the greeen he farted in celebration, and Mr Jones was gagging as he walked up! The tee at that point was no place to be without a bio-hazard suit. It was an outdoor dutch oven.

Mr Rotella is apparently a sound teacher but I do not think in any of his books does he prescribe the best course of action to take when bending down to tee up your ball amid Mr Archer's eggy fart trail. Indeed, I am sure you are all as shocked as Ady and I were. Mr Jones coughed, choked and gagged. "Play golf at all times with consideration for others on the course" is the underlying ethic of our game and whilst not strictly adhered to in this instance, it was bloody funny.

We had all hit good shots in, the pick being Ady's shot to about 5 ft. Unperturbed and once recovered Nigel hit a glorious 3 wood 8 iron into the short par three all over the pin which settled about 20 ft beyond the flag. Sadly, he walked off with a 5! loooooooool including a missed putt from 4 inches. Nothing could avoid the inevitable, Nigel and his ball were not friends anymore, he calmly (on the exterior) walked to the waters edege and the offending ball that made him 4 putt was thrown into the lake. Lost ball. Meanwhile Ady sunk the birdie putt and Andy and I in celebration swooped around him flapping our arms making bird noises.

Twats.

The 14th to the 18th were, I thought, the best holes, the short par 3, dogleg left downhill  par 5, dogleg left par 4 to elevated green and then finally the finishing par 4 with the approach over the lake into the wind. I parred it :)

If you recall Messers Barton and Archer were dressed in "Loudmouth" golf trousers as worn by our Open winner John Daly. Here is a pic of Ady imitating JD in terms of pants, nut not so much in his at "the top" position :)

Hand on hip. pink shirt and disco ball trousers - comfortable in your own skin :)

After a fantastic par (did I mention that?) on the 18th at the Bristol, it was time to retire for sandwiches and a couple of pints before the next leg of the odyssey down to St Mellion.

There were many notable scores and experiences from the Bristol but I think that the most noteworthy was that of the Captain's Tour Virgin, Mr Stevie Smith, who, off 4, batted it around for a mahoosive 18 points. Sorry Stevie could not not mention that!

Thank you Bristol. We were off to St Mellion - tales of Nectar points fraudsters and Toilet Policing will abound! There may even be a video or two :)

Whereas the first travel leg was relatively staid, the journey to St Mellion was about to get a whole lot more interesting!

The 2014 Chesfield Downs Captain's Trip @ The Bristol Golf Club & St Mellion - The Build Up!

Preface

In general last year's blog was well received although some did comment it was a long read. So this year I think it appropriate to cater for the masses and write smaller chunks and update every couple of days. For those that were either (a) not on the captains trip last year, (b) were on it and couldn't be bothered to read it, or (c)just using the internet for porn (yes Mr Bonner we are looking at you), you can scroll down and they should be under this post. Not sure what happened to some of the photos but hey, it's still slightly amusing without them..

Without a doubt, it was a record turnout with 54 of us making the journey! I think that in itself shows how much stronger the men's section has become, combined with our mutual respect for this year's Captain Mr Phil Chester.

Apologies Sent

Needless to say with so many on board Cpt Chester's ship (no seamen jokes please as after room sharing with Paul I am sure he has had enough of it), there were some Trip Virgins (TVs) with us but please don't mention that to the wives.There were however some notable absences from the trip - too many to mention, but the esteemed Mr Jim Bishop was one who sent his apologies and could not make it so he decided to invest the time wisely and do what he generally does in the middle of a round....

Jim working on his swing again

Mr Wayne (OCD) Martin cited fear of golf club damage as he could not bear for them to be in the luggage compartment of a coach????? :) I am sure we could canvass all the members who were unable to make the trip but I do not think we will find a more original excuse than that. Can you just begin to imagine all the homework not being done excuses he came up with to his teachers. The mind boggles.

Anyway enough of the handbags who couldn't make it, this is a blog about the men who could :) And here they are, and chaps lets take a good look at ourselves and be honest there is muchos moobs on display, and what the hell is Jebba doing with his right hand, is he surreptitiously holding the end of it? Mr Garrett also looks like he has his hands full, but enough of that, let's not allow this blog to sink into crudity, yet :)

Pre-Tour Anticipation 

Confession time - the trip was so well organised and we had such a great group going down to play what we perceived to be fantastic courses I must admit that when considering the 2014 calendar this was the event I was most looking forward to, bar none. Even better, I heard that Mr N (Fairway) Jones, he of straight drives, and thrifty with his balls, stated to the Cpt he did not intend to lose a ball.

AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA. More on that later :)

In the week leading up to the weekend the weather forecast looked more dire than my swing and there was much talk on social media as to whether a wet-suit, canoe or even submarine would be needed for the weekend. Thankfully there was no Noah event and apart from a few squalls we kept dry. Let's not mention the wind Dorothy. There was during the trip murmurings that Marlene/Boycey may have spent some time at Advanced Hair Studio and Harley St getting some work done on his lips, but I genuinely think this was unfounded. Well we have no proof, but I am not entirely sure....


I think we all agree form what I have heard that the planning of the trip was akin to an experienced mum of 6 taking the kids to the zoo - nothing was left to chance. We had a golf bag and trolley van to accompany the coach and I think we should all put our hands together once again for Paul "The Van Man" Taylor who drove it down, and unloaded and loaded clubs and trolleys in and out of it over the weekend - I really don't know where he found the time to play golf. Oh wait, just checked his scores he didn't, but he can set you up with a nice pair of deck shoes :)

Early Start

So early start it was then. Be at the club for 5.15 am was the expectation "or the coach will leave without you". Anyone struggle with the early start? I have previous for this, 2 years ago Mr Barton almost knocked my front door off its hinges trying to wake me up for the Spain Trip.  I did try and share a lift up as just the one car and Mrs A needed it to ferry the kids on the weekend, and Mr Lloyd did offer to drive me down to Bristol (thank you) but at an even earlier start of 4 am I forewent the offer.

Anyway I drove up the following morning and as I was there soooooo early Cpt asked Mr Batchelor was kind enough to follow me back home so I could drop the car back home for the Mrs and I came back up with him. Cheers Bertie.

Male amateur club golfers look nothing, and I repeat nothing, like the PGA and European Tour Pros we watch on Sky. Especially with a 5.30 am start and a prize on offer for the most colorfully dressed on the Friday!! I think it's fair to say, Milan, Paris, New York and London you have nothing to fear with regard to fashion from the golfers of Chesfield Downs.

There were a couple of notables, Mr Barton in his loud comic strip pants and matching hat and Mr Archer with his multicolured disco ball trouser effort and pink shirt (he really isn't gay is he), but in my limited fashonista opinion the Godzilla of disasters (and I was not judging) must go to Mr Halfpenny with the flower motifs sewn onto his orange trousers! When questioned as to what on earth possessed him to wear such a garment of hideous nature, he casually shrugged, and said, as far as I could make out "Oh well, you know, the wife, keen, crafts, kids". I nodded sagely and walked back onto the coach convinced he had married Dougal from The Magic Roundabout.

The trip to the Bristol was relatively uneventful apart from, the coach driver choosing the only decent movie for the whole trip but at that stage we were unaware of that else we would have applauded. I did not get his name, so remiss of me, so let's just call him |Rubik (after the cube) quite colourful, but puzzling at the same time, and a bastard to work out....

The hostesses serving the refreshments were Miss Hufton and Darlinson both thonged up as per normal as we see them after their round at Chesfield.

Dictionary Alert!

Thong:
1. a shoe or slipper fastened to the foot chiefly by a strip of leather or other material passing between the first and second toes and often attaching to another strip of material, as a strap across the instep or around the ankle.
2. a brief garment for the lower body that exposes the buttocks, consisting of a strip of fabric passing between the thighs and attached to a band around the waist.

Thankfully we were only exposed to 1, but Bill, really? lol

To spice things up a bit, Ady (next to me in coach), Peter H and Steve (Maggie) McGuire (in front) had a game of guess the arrival time when the coach stopped in the car park at the Bristol, without busting. I think I won but now I have forgotten. You should really come around sometime the long winter evenings just fly by at my place :)

After taking the wing mirrors off an Audi and a Merc, Rubik finally delivered us safely to the Bristol and man with the van, Van Diesel, aka Paul Taylor was already there with clubs and trolleys laid out. Legend.

So a blog about golf with no golf. To be continued.....

Captain's Trip to Celtic Manor and The Bristol (The finale)

Captain's Trip to Celtic Manor and The Bristol (The finale)

So everyone was happy, all golf clubs had arrived, group photo had been taken, and it had stopped raining which in itself was a minor victory for those that had not brought any waterproofs to play golf in Wales!? 

Wales climate; it rains, frequently and heavy, on a daily basis. 
Wales recommendations for tourists; don't leave home without something to keep the rain off
Welsh thinking on "weathermen"; Snake oil peddlers
Capitano; Don't believe any of the above....

Ok, some boys were on the range myself included it did get a bit busy with not much space. Some were on the putting green, "fine tuning" as they said. Apparently that went not so well.  Richard "Boycey" Deeks (just close your eyes next time you listen to him) was merrily topping wedges into the wind and self talking words to the effect of "Oh come on Boycey, don't start doing this now".

Off to the first tee then and I was absolutely inordinately pleased not to be in the first or second group of duffers chaps who had unfortunate "luck" over the first three rounds. As last year at La Magna I was indeed in the first group of shame. So I was mentally fist pumping on the first tee at that result alone!

So, any memories of the first hole and how you started on the iconic 2010? That's right, close your eyes and take yourself back, we'd all been posed, positioned and arranged into a staged  £50 photo shot and then we were off to the first tee....

Dogleg left bunkers in dogleg and wind helping off the right not overly long to start this isn't to bad is it? "Hahahaha", said the 2010, "just you wait my lovelies, just you wait...."

Standing on the first tee our four ball for the challenge that was to come was a great group. I imagined (not really) the announcer on the first tee doing the following introductions in a boxing theme... 

Announcer: "Ladies and Gentlemen please welcome to the tee Match number three. Firstly representing himself, The Sheep and all fast food outlets in North Hertfordshire we have none other than the holllllllle in one man himself! Golf Courses tremble in his wake! Mr Ady "Aaaaaaloooopeciaaaa" Barton". Swing, Hit, Pull, Bunkers left - nothing new there then. As expected on the first back home so I applaud the consistency :)

Announcer: "Ooh got a bit tight on that did we Captain Tuggy? Expected better, but never mind, next up (no pressure) Ladies and Gentlemen we have The Deadly Assaaaaassinnnnnn, The Nuuuuumberrrrrrrrr Cruncher, The Paaaar 3 Muncher! representing Killer Accountants please put your hands together for Mr Steeeeeeeve McMuuuuulennnnn!". Swing, Hit, Straight down on a conservative "touch of lavender" line.

Announcer: "Ladies and Gentlemen next up, representing himself, The Sheep and all other things Welsh, Mr Mark "I have no idea where this is going" Aaaallllbaannnn." Swing, Hit, Striped, down the tiger line over right edge of bunkers. (I'd like to say that set the tone for the rest of the round - but it didn't)

Announcer: "Ladies and Gentlemen, bringing up the rear, as apparently is his modus operandi, please welcome to the tee, The Troooooperrr of Troopers, Mr Donnnnaldddd Duuuuccckkk Deeeeeeee-Cups Monttttttgomeryyyy" (Don do us all a favour mate, never ever, and I repeat "ever" wear that yellow shirt you wore up the club a few weekends back. The girls behind the bar were distraught at their feelings of inadequacy and we had babies throwing bottles out of prams!). Any way back to the first, Swing, Tap, Middle of the fairway thank you very much.

And so we progressed, happily hitting shots not always straight mind you with the tail wind helping and then we came to the turd (apologies for the Irish inflection but it was a shit of a hole) third!

A mere 165 yards over the water into the previous tail wind we were now into the teeth of. If I could do anything again I would have captured our efforts on my phone on this hole, just out of pure masochism! I hit my first and the second in the pond, Ady and Steve did much the same although there was a suspicion of "I may have made the reeds" from Ady. Seriously?

Don, the cunning stunt, decides the smart play is a lay up to the right on the apron and executes it perfectly. Reed hunting for Ady's two shots was unsuccessful - what a surprise, and as it lay only Don was still in the hole. Sadly it didn't last. As if not bad enough already we then went into "Fawlty Towers" mode. With the water apparently "out of play", as Don let us know he had played here before and going over the water was madness apparently. Well, I am pleased to report he knobbed his second, it caught the slope on the approach to the green and he started to run after it! Thankfully the ball made the water before Don did! Drop, playing 4, and then Widow Twanky must have whispered in his ear "do not jeopardise this pantomime". Don took that on board, duffed the chip again into the water, and Miss Twanky left happy.

The Crime Scene - Doesn't look like much does it?

The 4th was fun too wasn't it? Now as I remember the first few holes were to "ease you into" a test of golfing ability?? The 4th, 420 yards or so into a howling gale. We may have got 2 points combined, if anyone made GIR there should have been a prize for that!

So onto the 5th, back with the wind and stroke index 1 - lovely. 3 of us got the drives safely on the fairway whilst Ady got a bit greedy and found the bunkers on the right of the dogleg.I hit a nice 7i in that just rolled off back of green into the collection area and got out of there with a 5. Ady hit a brilliant shot in from the fairway bunker, but I think 3 putted? for a 5 too. Steve and Don? Who knows but clearly it wasn't memorable ;) 

As we were walking off the green the group in front had just teed off 6 and I heard the unmistakeable tones of Mr Crowhurst stating that he would never be intimidated by the 3rd at Chesfield again. And when you got to the tee who could blame him.

Water, lots of it all the way down the right, fairway sloping? Yes indeed, to the right. Par 4 just under 400 yards it was. Oh and the wind? Yep, that was left to right too!! The first 2 in our group decided to rinse their balls in the afore mentioned water (golf balls).

I was up next, obviously inspired by the first 2 and took dead aim at the left edge of the most left fairway bunker and to my bewilderment that ball flew as planned??? Drifted back on the wind and skipped happily up the right side of the fairway. Knocked it on the green and made par. What's that all about?

Good memories for me, but maybe not for all?

Littleish par three was next and got out of there with 2 points too so after a triple blob between holes 2-4, I had 10 points in the bag after 7. 30+ territory then. Or so I thought...

Could not have been more wrong! ;)

The 8th a par 4 must have been rubbish as I can't recall any part of it! 

Then a walk to the 9th which was a long par 5 with the River Usk down the left hand side if really wild. Great looking hole with it's shape and definition. We decided to adopt a cunning scatter-gun strategy to the tee shots on this one. Don down the middle, I thought I was in the bunkers down the right side but as it turns out I was between and on the fairway. Ade missed it right completely and had a drop from the path, and Steve went left but no one in any significant bother. We all ruled out going for the green in 2 and here's a bit of perspective as to how much of a different game the pros play to all of us. We played it at 570 yds off the yellows the back tees are at 666 yds almost a full 100 yards longer - Devilishly difficult!

Walking down the fairway I am sure others witnessed the damage the floods had done months earlier with debris scattered throughout the field on other side of the far bank of the river (although a few may have said that's just Wales - crap everywhere). Don was particularly amazed that no one had nicked any of it for firewood. English mentality shining through his Saxon heritage there :)

Back to golf, blocked 2nd shot down the first cut on the right hand side with a 3 hybrid. Smothered approach low and left almost into a bush and lucky not to be OB. Never played this game before it seems. Couldn't go for green and had to punch out to front apron and then I think it was a chip and 2 putt for a point.

I thought the greens on the 2010 were excellent compared with the Montgomery and the fairways and surrounds too - but I guess that is represented in the differential in the green fees of the two courses.

So with a hop, skip and a jump we found ourselves on the 10th tee confronted by some urchin plying his trade. Hit the green if you can challenge, £5 in and guaranteed £5 voucher for pro shop with a free round thrown in if you hit the green. Now just to be clear, he did not at any point state that YOU HAD TO HIT THE GREEN WITH YOUR TEE SHOT!!! Hit it in 2 though and hats off to Ady and Steve for completing the "ambiguous" challenge an landing it on the dancefloor. It is of little comfort really as their prizes were purloined at the presentation by Chesfield's very own market trader, and CIW, Phil "have I got a deal for you" Chester. all for a good cause I must add - so hats off to Beagle Chester for sniffing out another opportunity ;)

Then to the "Halfway House" anyone else wonder why it's after the 10th and not actually halfway at all - just a  kinky Welsh twist I guess. And to make things more difficult the gents only had one cubicle, it was a tight squeeze for 4...................................... so I left them to it :)

How good does this look the 11th, water left and right apparently! Just past the cart path where Ady went on safari again....

See that rubbish on the right? Dont go there

Nice big wide landing area before running out into the water but the wind was helping in as much as it was left to right, and then the fairway narrows up for lay up distances. Stuffed it in the greenside bunker after laying up, out and 2 putts for 2 points. That triple blob run between 2 and 4 was a distant memory it seemed... plenty of time for it to return and indeed it did.

12th - water left, water right, approach to green carry over water. We did have a bit of wait time as Fisherman Wheeler as filling his boots searching for golf balls in the shallows. I hear he was +28 for the round - not his score but in golf balls found.

Anyway one of the finest blobs for lots of reasons. Good drive into fairway longish iron carry to green. So I think "Don't be silly Mark play down left side to end of fairway and pitch on". Seems sensible shot on the hole and whatnot. Insert Fawlty Towers school of golf moment here. Smothered second into fwy bunker on left, barely got it out, flew next (4th) just above bunker at far end of fwy. Pitched out to 20 ft and missed the putt = Blob. Just the sort of catastrophe needed before this!!!!!!!

the look of inevitability

The good old 13th - Yardage was right, club was right didn't commit to the shot and it plopped in the water about 10 yards from the bank. Clubbed up 1, hit another into the greenside bunker at the back - not where you want to be with the green running away from you back into the lake. Bucket and spade time and picked up = Blob.

14th - has to be one of my favourite looking holes on the course, dogleg right with water carry (for something different) that get you a shorter iron in if you make it, or go down the fairway which also runs out to water. Hit a good drive to position A, after mildly suggesting to Steve* that the water route was not really that much of a carry - he went for it and gave his ball a rinse, then playing 3 off the tee he hit it so well that despite carrying the water he was unlucky and he ran into it on the other side. *Update he has bought a new driver since!

15th we actually played off the back tees, this was the split hole where you could go straight for it through the gap in the trees or play up onto the fairway. Ady and I banged it up the fairway but just a bit right and caught the first cut so we did not get past the corner and were blocked out by the trees, Don followed us up the fairway and Steve? Well Steve went the direct route and after firing his second well over the green it to some thick welsh foliage, I think he then knobbed one trying to get out and put next in bunker. And literally it was all down hill from there - blob. Back in the real world, Ady and I were weighing up whether we far enough back from the trees to clear them and get it all the way to the green. If you didn't there was a steep hill before it with water hazard waiting at the bottom to punish you! I thought better of it and pitched down the fairway from where I hit wedge to about 10 foot. Ady went for it over the tree and as expected got the punishment but only half of it. In getting the height to get over the trees, not only did it fall short of the green but also the steep bank in front of it and landed on the flat area the other side of the hazard. And as the golfing gods dictate I missed the putt and walked off with a 5, whilst Ady played a sublime up and down I have seen for a long while for his 4. 

I would like to point out here that the direct route is for golfers who generally have the ability to thread it through and get either on, or close, to the green and as we were walking off we looked down on the group behind searching for their balls after going about 150 yards on the direct route! - I think "Burglar Jones" may have been one of them who should certainly know better :)

Ok enough of this hole by hole commentary!

The final three holes were as hard as Martin's pre-shot routine, and the experience of turning back into the wind on 16 through 18 - what a breeze that was :) 

Upon fininshing on 18 and completing the customary handshakes the 2 groups in front of us were nowhere to be seen, so we took it upon ourselves to abandon the clubs at the walk off area and climb the hill to barrack/cheer the remaining groups in. You can see what a great finishing hole this is, and would have been for the Ryder Cup as it was built for spectating! I thought this was the highlight of the day, we were Wooooaaahhhhing as appraches came in and cheering when they made the carry and Ohhing when they found the water. We inventively came up with a unique jig of ridicule for shots that found a watery grave which involved us all in a line give a little wave, holding our nose and bobbing down on our haunches as we waved goodbyeto their stableford points. 

Hilarity? Yes indeed, but...

You had to be there. 

If there are any women reading this, know for sure that men are always boys, and *sigh*, as per usual, you just wouldn't understand......

The piste de'resistance had to be watching I'l Capitano (Andy "I lost my balls" Ward), hit shot after shot after shot into the water and they all got the dance! He was so determined to get on the green the red mist had clearly descended, and not for one second did he realise those were new balls he was feeding to the fish! Until a little bit later.

Once all groups were in we wandered up to get a well earned beer or two, but the only servant was making sandwiches!! 20 minute wait for drinks for some, shame on you CM shame.

Presentation time

Andy was being Mother Hen and arranging the prizes quite particularly - think there may be a bit of OCD in the family but shhhhhhh!

Prizes were handed out according to the size of the sombrero on display and there were none bigger than Mr Watson, Mr Garrett and Mr 'Il Capitano'. As an aside, Mr Garrett won so many balls, he won't have to but any for a while. Apparently his plastic surgeon is not amused.

Speaking of balls the shame of finishing last was handed out to none other than our handicap club champion, Mr Howarth, and for his efforts (which, all things considered were pretty impressive beating Fisherman Wheeler), he was duly rewarded with three pink balls to play with. It's a bit of a hint isn't it - some golf guy/developer/marketer with a golfing wife who was clearly not getting enough, thought he'd drop a hint....

Anyway the journey home was, for the majority uneventful, unless you were in Boycey's beast. Mr Howarth apparently was keen to get stranded in a "popular" lay-by with Boycey and there are rumours regarding siphoning Boycey's Beast but lets not go there. Thankfully they made it to the services with 3 miles left in the tank.


And Mr Howarth? Although disappointed he has already put his pink balls in play (welcome back Tony).



It was a fantastic trip and all I have left to to is thank and congratulate the cast for making it so. So without further ado, please put your hand together for the following, in no particular order;

Steve "I am here on credit with the wife" McMullen
Mike's Boner (Mike Bonser)
Steve "What you mean no Karaoke" McGuire
Alan Carr - just so chatty (Ady Barton)
Nigel "Burglar" Jones
Tony "Pink" Howarth
Dennis "Fisherman" Wheeler
Smelly Wife (Wilf Emsley)
Barry "please explain pool" Kither
Angry Beard (Gary Dabner)
It's Her Raper (Peter Harris)
Satan Vowed (him to be a NUFC fan - Dave Watson)
Tony "Show me the Buggy!" Rollinson
Andy "I'l Capitano" Ward
"Boycey"
Peter "Major" Garrett
Craig "Page 3 wannabe" Crowhurst
Phil - am sure he has done this before "Etch her Lips" Chester
Mark "I have a secret" Smith
Bill "Suarez" Glover lol

And last but not least, as stated above;

Don Orgy Moment (Don Montgomery)

Thanks for a great time all

Mark (I have no idea where this is going) Alban

Captain's Trip to Celtic Manor and The Bristol (Part 2)

Ok, so where were we? That's right, down in the Sport's Bar awaiting the results at the end of Day 2 from I'l Capitano. Bit of a trek to get there wasn't it? For those that have not had the experience of staying at @CelticManor it could also benefit from a map when you are inside the hotel! It was noted that a couple (Mike & Wilf) of our 'men' had gone for a romantic dinner for two at The Lodge, unfortunately they did not return to us that evening so one can only assume they had an "early night".  In all seriousness though, Mike, Wilf I am sure the ambience was indescribable and you had a wonderful time ;) 

There were a couple of stragglers left upstairs, none other than one of the captains! Everyone take note at the angles and please give a big round of applause to the "Leaning Tower of Chester"

                                  "Blumming 'Eck, does my bum look big in this?

So, sat around the beer barrels converted into tables, supping our pints, the banter was good and I'l Capitano decided the time was ripe to announce the results. It was done with aplomb, and as tradition dictates for such occasions team results were delivered in reverse order. 

Bringing up the rear by a considerable distance (think mileage from Earth to Moon) were the Welsh Leeks. 

Even though it was so close after Easter, The Bunnies Rabbits were evidently finding difficulty in dropping their eggs in the baskets, and had fallen down to 3rd after a disappointing day.

The Dragons had produced a steady effort over the 36 holes, but did not set the course on fire (sorry)....and settled for mediocrity maintaining second place....

Which meant only one thing, that in the hills of Wales, as expected, the Sheep had gambolled ahead, certainly not out of sight but just, you know, at that teasing distance.... Baaaa! Hold the mint sauce!

Conversation then turned to the order of play for the final round on the 2010 course. It was rounldy agreed that we would tee off in reverse order so that the duffers chaps who had not had the best of fortunes over the first three rounds would go out in the first group and then subsequent four-balls would be determined according to current standing. In keeping with golf tournaments globally this made sense to everyone apart from one crying geordie esteemed member who had played well and as such was destined to be in the last group. He really seemed to want to go out early, so he had a bit of a moment.... :) 

We dallied a bit longer in that salubrious venue and after Steve McM and I really showed the quiz machine what we couldn't do, we all became aware that a couple of chaps, Ade and Barry, had taken up the challenge of the pool table so, as lads do when there is competition involved between such gladiators we all went over to "actively spectate" - also known as heckling. Mistakenly, I expected a bit of cut and thrust and some quality on the table. Sadly, it didn't transpire - the pool was about par to their putting and we left them to it. Had they not turned up for golf the following day I would have thought they were still at it!!                                                                                

The 2010

It was the dawn of the day we would all demonstrate that the Ryder Cup was no fluke and that Europeans were naturally made to play the 2010, right? We'll come back to that later! And on this momentous day, so it came to pass....(literally) I finally got rid of that curry! Just thought I would share.

Morning routine was as per normal, "Burglar Jones" was at it again and we all had our breakfast, packed and left. 

To the next patron of room 578,  when you walk in and think "pungent" I do hope you enjoy my parting gift of underwear and socks in the top drawer of the bedside cabinet! Also left my phone charger plugged into the socket. These two moments would have really annoyed me but as I did not remember until Thursday I cannot blame them for scoring "averagely" :)

I have played the 2010 once before in February 2012 but it was frozen over (even the water - think of the sea lake on the right of 6) so I left that time disappointed and really left with the feeling that I wanted to come back and play the course in normal conditions. Not for one moment did I think it would only be just over a year to wait so good choice Andy! :)

Nigel and I did not hang around and drove up to the 2010 in plenty of time

The first hazard, it's bloody closed???

After a bit of difficulty getting through the gates and what felt like a 16 point turn in getting to the intercom, compounded by the fact that at the passes 1-15 the driver's arms were not long enough to reach it, we were granted entry. Anyone else remember this drive down the hill? For those that do, I think the adjective 'steep' is bandied around too lightly in my opinion, you hear it all the time - golf coverage "oh he was a bit steep on that", or whatever else, well go and take the privileged drive down to the 2010 that = steep.

Brilliant service on arrival, with being told to leave any golf stuff that needed ferrying down to the tee at the door, and then a walk through tour of the clubhouse and locker room with polite instruction to be ready for the shuttle pick up 30 minutes before tee time. The locker rooms were fantastic and they explained how it had been split in two with a soundproof screen down the middle for the Ryder Cup, they had also retained the name plates on the lockers that the players used as a memory of who sat where when the Europeans won :)

Maybe next time Tiger...

The intro and tour to the clubhouse certainly added to the nostalgia and raised the anticipation levels in preparing to play the 2010. So whilst waiting for shuttle down to the 2010 and "practie area" where we were assured our clubs would be. And, after Ady assuring I'l Capitano (who as a result did not bring his waterproofs) that the forecast was dry, sure enough it started raining and when we got to the first tee/practice area half our  clubs were not there yet. I'l Capitano was not amused. The shower soon passed though even before we got to the first tee and it did stay dry throughout. Clubs also turned up after a photo session against the backdrop of the first tee (Credit for photo below to Mr C Crowhurst)

Wales, but there's blue sky? We are the  business aren't we?! If your business is under-performing then boy did we we overachieve ;)

Right that's it for now, details of course report, performance scorecards, the presentation, and who could forget Andy "tin Cup" Ward on the 18th, to follow

Captain's Trip to Celtic Manor and The Bristol (Part 1)

Part 1

The day dawned bright and fair. Bags already packed the night before, outfits chosen, clubs not cleaned, but I was ready! Ready for the annual pilgrimage to superb pubs golf courses not visited before. Indeed, it was the Chesfield Downs Men's Section Captain's Trip for 2013.

Following on from the 2012 trip to La Magna, this year's odyssey was closer to home westbound down the M4 to Bristol and then on to Celtic Manor in God's Country - land of 6 nations champions and the British Lions team* :) 

1 round at The Bristol, 2 on the Montgomery course and 1 on the 2010.

*disclaimer - written by a Welshman ;)

Day 1 - The Drive Down

Ady "Is there any Whip left?" Barton, drove Steve "Does my sombrero look good in this 18 hcp?" Mcguire, and I down in the Mondeo - 3 blokes, clubs, luggage (although Sombrero only brought his Man Bag - ask his wife about that one apparently she recommends man bags) and two trolleys. It's not a boot really, it's a cave. Anyway the journey got off to an extremely successful start. I did not have the same repeat as least year when "Whip" was trying to bash my front door in to wake me up! No, indeed, I was ready, prepared, and chomping at the bit. Even sent a text to make sure all was on plan - I think "Whip" was taken by surprise and needed a sit down such was his shock at my preparedness. My eldest joined the scouts this year.

A quick stop at Reading Services where we ignored by a pair of friendly Double D's despite trying to get their attention and waving madly at them in the car park. Don't think she liked us Don and Dabs saw us. Sombrero and I duly coffeed up and Whip was looking around for something to hit, so he went to the gents...

All done, back into the Mondeo, Whip starts the car and casually puts a pair of glasses on?? I think "they weren't there before, he doesn't wear glasses, WTF". Me: "Ade why do you have glasses on, you don't need them do you?" (bear in mind we have already covered 100 miles or so at the mercy of his eyesight). Whip: "Oh just need them sometimes, and can't find anywhere to put them!" Ah, way to instill confidence then,, so he takes them of and puts his sunglasses back on. Now if I was a catholic I would have been doing their thing with the crossing oneself!

I digress, this is supposed to be about golf after all. Now, for anyone that has played golf with "Whip" his driving can be a bit hit and miss - not so on this trip - just look at the poise and soft right hand he has in this grip. A little weak maybe?

All went well until he got a bit excited close to The Bristol, we were about to run a red light on the roundabout (I mean who puts them there?) until the back-seat driver pointed it out - anchor time! Then did not want to take the signposted turn right into the Bristol as was looking for the turning on the left. So about those glasses?.....

 Day 1 - The Bristol

Anticipation was growing as we gathered in the beer garden. Apparently some of the lads cheated and went out on the par 3 course to get a feel for the speed of the greens and warm up with a few wedges. No names - you know who you are. 

Oi! Has anyone seen my glasses? Who's that?

The rest of us were sociable had a couple of drinks and then lunch was served - ham, egg and chips. Can't really mess that up can you? Apparently you can! Eggs - tick, Ham - tick, Chips - could do better.

Then we were reminded of the format by Andy "I'l Capitano" Ward. Individual prize on the days for winners and 2nd place, nearest pin and most importantly the team competition. 4 Teams, imaginatively named the Welsh Dragons, Sheep, Leeks and Rabbits? With all individual scores counting to team total over the four rounds. I was in Team Sheep and honestly that's a first! No more sheep jokes for 23 men travelling to Wales, I get enough of that without having to write about it :)

Running order was set and after a quick bit of of allowable non-cheating practice on the putting green it was off to the first tee.

I'l Capitano ready and prepared to start the trip

No he's not, what's this then?

Ok, so once he got his nerves settled he was on the first tee lining up the drive and we had a photo bomber.....

Is it my turn yet?

And then we were off;

the only other notable picture from the first tee was courtesy of Nigel "Jelly Legs" Jones - he just had a lesson so all can be forgiven - working on his hip thrust with Jo apparently....

Thrust!

The Bristol was great, good holes a bit fiddly, nice layout, the first through third are played at the top of the valley then you drive down into it for the 4th and stay there for just what you need after the 17th a big walk up the hill to the 18th. Would love to play it again, a very fair course with some interesting holes and local knowledge would help somewhat in club selection off the tee. 
I had an enjoyable four-ball with Don "The Trooper"(more on that later) Montgomery, Dennis "Fisherman" Wheeler, and Richard "Take a photo of me Mark, please?" Deeks.

Deeksy now one of your finest moment is on the web ;)

Bloody topped it again!

Only 2 complaints really, firstly the greens were very sandy which made for inconsistency and secondly Team Sheep were joint second. The Rabbits had got off to a fast start - no surprise there think moral of the hare and the tortoise, Sheep and Dragons were neck and neck and the Leeks? Well they were already leaking shots.

After a couple of beverages following the Ade starting a whip, we were off to Wales - obviously you have to pay for the experience, so after driving through this sight of blue sky and sun, it never rains in Wales in May

and handing over the "entrance fee" (For those in the know the Welsh don't have to pay) we made it to Celtic Manor. 

After a quick shower and change and I'l Capitano scouting the local eateries we descended on a local curry house. Martin "Tarka Daal" Kemp certainly got excited when we arrived...must have thought all his Christmases had come at once when he saw the restaurant!

Here is Mr Martin Tarka Daal slightly abashed

sporting a suspicious stain on his jumper

But fair play to the restaurant and staff they had 20 of us drop in on them in about an hours notice and have to say the food was excellent, and probably one of the better curries I have had in quite a few years.

And as we were leaving it was nice to see that, despite the English getting punished badly at the Millennium Stadium, Mr Mojito was clearly harbouring no ill will and clearly embracing the welsh experience by starting to learn the language.....

Phil window shopping in the Amsterdam equivalent of Wales - seems to like what he sees

2 - Celtic Manor Montgomery Course

I was "rooming" with Mr Jones who I have no doubt would make an excellent burglar, and coming from Newport may already have some experience in that field!Upon waking to the sound of my alarm strategically placed away from my bed so I had to get up to walk to it to turn it off I looked around and he was nowhere to be found. Shower had been used too - so dressed, showered and out the room without making a sound. An alternative explanation is that whatever the beer we were drinking at Tarka was good stuff. Will let you make up your own minds.

After a great buffet breakfast and also purloining a baaaaanana (Team Sheep -sorry) and apple for the round from the fruit section it was off to the Montgomery. Shuttle bus operating from CM to the clubhouse so all was organised, loading the clubs on so I ran off for a quick bathroom stop and came back to find Ade and no shuttle bus! With waiting (15 minutes) and what not for the return Ade missed the first tee group he was scheduled for, I was in the last group so had a look around the pro-shop and treated myself to a magnetic hat-clip ball marker for a fiver - which ended up being quite ironic as I now have 2. So you see these on the LPGA and LET tours a lot it seems to be a bit of a ladies thing - not sure why that is maybe the guys like checking their balls in their pockets whilst rummaging around for their ball markers on the PGA tour and put it on the hat and the ladies don't keep their balls there - who knows? Regardless, I found it fantastic - reach up ball marker to hand instantly no faffing around in pockets - highly recommend them!

The Course

OK let's cut straight to the chase shall we? Considering Monty is a fat bastard heavy around the waist who would have thought he would have designed a golf course that gives you a workout? Up hill and down dale as they say in the North and none more so than the indomitable Mr Phil "Mojito" Chester and Bill "Strap-on" Glover (apparently Bill works for a tool company by that name). Speaking of our Northern members I understand Mr Bonser had no need of his roll of Andrex this year - that folks is a good thing! Speaking of which, Mr Watson spent the weekend despairing his team's season was indeed literally going down the toilet. Chin up Dave, Swansea (welsh link) did you a favour beating Wigan Tuesday night - there is hope at the end of the S-Bend! :) 

Back to golf - We played this course twice in the day. No mean feat. Played with Sombrero, The Trooper and Fisherman. Don't get me wrong I enjoyed the course and the company but it was a hard walk and I would not want to be a member on it, playing it week in week out - there's not much to me as it is! The most memorable hole for me was the 3rd as you walk down after your second the whole views to the valley open up and you are looking down at the 2010 course, it truly is a wonderful sight. Close second was the first which I parred both times and was 4 foot short of driving the green in the afternoon :) Sombrero birdies it both times....

Going down the 3rd

Some of the greens were punishing if not hit in the right spot and balls would roll off them leaving difficult up and downs. Liked the 10th too nice down hill par 4 second over water to elevated green, blobbed the thing twice though from inside 100 yds with second shot. Knob - the only bit of water on the whole course and I found it both times - 100% success rate of putting the ball in the wrong place.

The second round followed an exorbitant lunch where some chaps actually paid £15 for a burger??? Recommend the sausage and mash, very nice and a mere bargain at £12.

Now to draw attention to an important point, our man Don is struggling with his knee, to the extent that he found it difficult to even mark his ball on the green yet he walked, yes that's right, walked, the course in the morning. Not mentioning any names but there were quite a few buggies in the morning from far fitter "men" not carrying injuries. Shame on you, shame. Don - take my hat off to you.

Right now that we are clear, I took a buggy for the afternoon round only! 

Afternoon was more fun, zipping around in the buggy between holes and obviously there is the added benefit of already having played the course which certainly helped with some of the blind shots.

Then we congregated back at the bar in the lodge where cards were collected for Il Capitano to confirm the team position and individual glory hunters winners. For whatever reason it was not announced there and we were all to meet back at CM for drinks and a rooftop BBQ. Great idea in theory but as we were there in early May and the rooftop BBQ didn't start until June there was a slight flaw in the plan. I still to this day do not have confirmation of who it was that came up with this blinder. Unfortunately due to circumstances beyond our control we were unable to wait the requisite 29 days - so we had a good discussion about what to do......we were there for a while..

A Thoughtful discussion

During this period of time more beverages were consumed by already dehydrated golfers with some outstanding comic effects. One that will stay in the memory for a while was a certain member of the group unwittingly moving like a Thunderbird whilst sounding like Marlene from Only Fools and Horses :)

I think from memory the lounge area in the above was called Merlin's, some stayed here and some went in search of the elusive "Sports Bar". I finally made way down in time for Il Capitano to announce the results.