The 2014 Chesfield Downs Captain's Trip @ The Bristol 

The Bristol Golf Club

Preface: It's been a while, apparently we went golfing on the Captain's Trip to The Bristol and St Mellion. Can anyone remember what happened? I can ;) So hopefully the following post and the rest of the blog will act as a reminder.

Firstly, my apologies for the delay. And please afford me the opportunity to explain. This is the third year of the blog, which is positioned as a good natured bit of banter not to be taken seriously, with a small (well maybe a large) amount of embellishment here and there. However, after the first edition came out this year it was made clear to me that I had offended a fine upstanding member of our group, who told me in no uncertain terms that he had been misrepresented. Alan, my sincerest apologies, and whilst I cannot prove it, I accept your repeated, categorical statement, that you have never been on a porn site in your life. I unreservedly apologise for the inference in my previous post that frequenting porn sites was habitual for you, clearly that is not the case.

This encounter threw me a bit, and I have thought long and hard about continuing the blog, for fear of offending another good member of the Trip! Again, Alan, my apologies.

Ok, I hope we have that cleared up and no hard feelings. Before we get on to the rest of the blog, here's a quick picture of Alan on the coach, coyishly reading The Times. I just want to make clear that even though you can see the headline "The £5 million semi", I can reassure you Alan is true to his word and the article is not porn related! I checked.

Alan not reading porn

So we all got off the coach and sought out our trolleys and bags, parked them around the back of the clubhouse and then passed time before tee off in different ways. Some worked on the putting green, some didn't. Some went to play a few holes on the Par 3 course - some shanked their way around it (think disco ball trousers and a pink shirt - Mr Archer) - ever since he had that lesson, been there too!

Anticipation was building as was the wind. But we are used to the wind playing at Chesfield, right? Most gathered for a group photo at 9.45 as per instructions but Mr Upsdale was unexpectedly delayed taking more time than expected laying cable in the gents, eventually he arrived, so here we were making a huge effort to emulate the "Teletubbies golfing society". 

Unbelievably I appear shorter than Mr Gary "Bilbo" Dabs in this shot (think he's got his heels on again), and let's be honest Glen appears to be taking the toilet pose in a Bangkok stopover!

The Round

Our four ball, Nigel, Ady, Andy Archer and yours truly, was in the group following some "serious" golfers all single digits or scratch. The wind was getting up. If you recall the first at the Bristol it is a short, gentle par 5, OB on left and a cliff (not the Jones variety) on the right, and on this day the wind was pushing the ball toward OB. We watched them tee off to smash their drives down the fairway. Unfortunately they didn't. So we watched them again :) And then they were off.

Personally I think the Bristol is a great track a little bit of Mickey Mouse here and there, where if you are short of an elevated green you can play your next from the same place, as you stand there beating yourself up internally as the golf ball laughs at you and rolls, ever so gently back down to close to where you are standing. Happened a few times in our 4 ball so am sure it would have been the case pretty much across the board! However we don't have that type of shot at home - so with more experience of the course I think that issue would be obsolete.

Did I mention it was breezy?

We plodded along but enjoyable nonetheless, I was through the back of the green on the 8th against the hedge and whiffed it as the club hit the hedge on the way back which caused much merriment to my playing bastards partners. I think we all walked off the 9th with a point between us which was impressive in a "what a bunch of twats" sort of way. Anyone remember the stripey two tone fairway? 12th I think it was where Mike's Boner proved longer than the rest and won longest drive last year. Looking down as Ady and Andy hit off and to, what I thought was missed right of the fairway. I even asked as they seemed happy with them but I could have sworn their line was right of fwy. No, no, no, they said. So I followed their line (unbelievably) and sure enough 3/4 of us ended in the rough on the right. The only one to make it to the short stuff was Archer Disco Ball Pants Man.

The lost ball

Now you may not be aware that a certain player (Jonesy) stated to our Cpt he would go through the trip without losing a ball. It didn't happen....

He of fairways, and thrifty with his balls, (just ask his his Mrs) the indomitable Mr Jones, approached the short par 3 14th with loathing and pique roiling through his veins. He had taken 3 to get down from (15 ft) just off the fringe on 13. He was absolutely fuming. Thankfully through military like training and incantation  of Dr Bob Rotella he was able to be at peace with himself, and stepped up to the tee.

Unfortunately he was following Mr Archer. Did I mention it was windy, after he hit the greeen he farted in celebration, and Mr Jones was gagging as he walked up! The tee at that point was no place to be without a bio-hazard suit. It was an outdoor dutch oven.

Mr Rotella is apparently a sound teacher but I do not think in any of his books does he prescribe the best course of action to take when bending down to tee up your ball amid Mr Archer's eggy fart trail. Indeed, I am sure you are all as shocked as Ady and I were. Mr Jones coughed, choked and gagged. "Play golf at all times with consideration for others on the course" is the underlying ethic of our game and whilst not strictly adhered to in this instance, it was bloody funny.

We had all hit good shots in, the pick being Ady's shot to about 5 ft. Unperturbed and once recovered Nigel hit a glorious 3 wood 8 iron into the short par three all over the pin which settled about 20 ft beyond the flag. Sadly, he walked off with a 5! loooooooool including a missed putt from 4 inches. Nothing could avoid the inevitable, Nigel and his ball were not friends anymore, he calmly (on the exterior) walked to the waters edege and the offending ball that made him 4 putt was thrown into the lake. Lost ball. Meanwhile Ady sunk the birdie putt and Andy and I in celebration swooped around him flapping our arms making bird noises.

Twats.

The 14th to the 18th were, I thought, the best holes, the short par 3, dogleg left downhill  par 5, dogleg left par 4 to elevated green and then finally the finishing par 4 with the approach over the lake into the wind. I parred it :)

If you recall Messers Barton and Archer were dressed in "Loudmouth" golf trousers as worn by our Open winner John Daly. Here is a pic of Ady imitating JD in terms of pants, nut not so much in his at "the top" position :)

Hand on hip. pink shirt and disco ball trousers - comfortable in your own skin :)

After a fantastic par (did I mention that?) on the 18th at the Bristol, it was time to retire for sandwiches and a couple of pints before the next leg of the odyssey down to St Mellion.

There were many notable scores and experiences from the Bristol but I think that the most noteworthy was that of the Captain's Tour Virgin, Mr Stevie Smith, who, off 4, batted it around for a mahoosive 18 points. Sorry Stevie could not not mention that!

Thank you Bristol. We were off to St Mellion - tales of Nectar points fraudsters and Toilet Policing will abound! There may even be a video or two :)

Whereas the first travel leg was relatively staid, the journey to St Mellion was about to get a whole lot more interesting!

The 2014 Chesfield Downs Captain's Trip @ The Bristol Golf Club & St Mellion - The Build Up!

Preface

In general last year's blog was well received although some did comment it was a long read. So this year I think it appropriate to cater for the masses and write smaller chunks and update every couple of days. For those that were either (a) not on the captains trip last year, (b) were on it and couldn't be bothered to read it, or (c)just using the internet for porn (yes Mr Bonner we are looking at you), you can scroll down and they should be under this post. Not sure what happened to some of the photos but hey, it's still slightly amusing without them..

Without a doubt, it was a record turnout with 54 of us making the journey! I think that in itself shows how much stronger the men's section has become, combined with our mutual respect for this year's Captain Mr Phil Chester.

Apologies Sent

Needless to say with so many on board Cpt Chester's ship (no seamen jokes please as after room sharing with Paul I am sure he has had enough of it), there were some Trip Virgins (TVs) with us but please don't mention that to the wives.There were however some notable absences from the trip - too many to mention, but the esteemed Mr Jim Bishop was one who sent his apologies and could not make it so he decided to invest the time wisely and do what he generally does in the middle of a round....

Jim working on his swing again

Mr Wayne (OCD) Martin cited fear of golf club damage as he could not bear for them to be in the luggage compartment of a coach????? :) I am sure we could canvass all the members who were unable to make the trip but I do not think we will find a more original excuse than that. Can you just begin to imagine all the homework not being done excuses he came up with to his teachers. The mind boggles.

Anyway enough of the handbags who couldn't make it, this is a blog about the men who could :) And here they are, and chaps lets take a good look at ourselves and be honest there is muchos moobs on display, and what the hell is Jebba doing with his right hand, is he surreptitiously holding the end of it? Mr Garrett also looks like he has his hands full, but enough of that, let's not allow this blog to sink into crudity, yet :)

Pre-Tour Anticipation 

Confession time - the trip was so well organised and we had such a great group going down to play what we perceived to be fantastic courses I must admit that when considering the 2014 calendar this was the event I was most looking forward to, bar none. Even better, I heard that Mr N (Fairway) Jones, he of straight drives, and thrifty with his balls, stated to the Cpt he did not intend to lose a ball.

AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA. More on that later :)

In the week leading up to the weekend the weather forecast looked more dire than my swing and there was much talk on social media as to whether a wet-suit, canoe or even submarine would be needed for the weekend. Thankfully there was no Noah event and apart from a few squalls we kept dry. Let's not mention the wind Dorothy. There was during the trip murmurings that Marlene/Boycey may have spent some time at Advanced Hair Studio and Harley St getting some work done on his lips, but I genuinely think this was unfounded. Well we have no proof, but I am not entirely sure....


I think we all agree form what I have heard that the planning of the trip was akin to an experienced mum of 6 taking the kids to the zoo - nothing was left to chance. We had a golf bag and trolley van to accompany the coach and I think we should all put our hands together once again for Paul "The Van Man" Taylor who drove it down, and unloaded and loaded clubs and trolleys in and out of it over the weekend - I really don't know where he found the time to play golf. Oh wait, just checked his scores he didn't, but he can set you up with a nice pair of deck shoes :)

Early Start

So early start it was then. Be at the club for 5.15 am was the expectation "or the coach will leave without you". Anyone struggle with the early start? I have previous for this, 2 years ago Mr Barton almost knocked my front door off its hinges trying to wake me up for the Spain Trip.  I did try and share a lift up as just the one car and Mrs A needed it to ferry the kids on the weekend, and Mr Lloyd did offer to drive me down to Bristol (thank you) but at an even earlier start of 4 am I forewent the offer.

Anyway I drove up the following morning and as I was there soooooo early Cpt asked Mr Batchelor was kind enough to follow me back home so I could drop the car back home for the Mrs and I came back up with him. Cheers Bertie.

Male amateur club golfers look nothing, and I repeat nothing, like the PGA and European Tour Pros we watch on Sky. Especially with a 5.30 am start and a prize on offer for the most colorfully dressed on the Friday!! I think it's fair to say, Milan, Paris, New York and London you have nothing to fear with regard to fashion from the golfers of Chesfield Downs.

There were a couple of notables, Mr Barton in his loud comic strip pants and matching hat and Mr Archer with his multicolured disco ball trouser effort and pink shirt (he really isn't gay is he), but in my limited fashonista opinion the Godzilla of disasters (and I was not judging) must go to Mr Halfpenny with the flower motifs sewn onto his orange trousers! When questioned as to what on earth possessed him to wear such a garment of hideous nature, he casually shrugged, and said, as far as I could make out "Oh well, you know, the wife, keen, crafts, kids". I nodded sagely and walked back onto the coach convinced he had married Dougal from The Magic Roundabout.

The trip to the Bristol was relatively uneventful apart from, the coach driver choosing the only decent movie for the whole trip but at that stage we were unaware of that else we would have applauded. I did not get his name, so remiss of me, so let's just call him |Rubik (after the cube) quite colourful, but puzzling at the same time, and a bastard to work out....

The hostesses serving the refreshments were Miss Hufton and Darlinson both thonged up as per normal as we see them after their round at Chesfield.

Dictionary Alert!

Thong:
1. a shoe or slipper fastened to the foot chiefly by a strip of leather or other material passing between the first and second toes and often attaching to another strip of material, as a strap across the instep or around the ankle.
2. a brief garment for the lower body that exposes the buttocks, consisting of a strip of fabric passing between the thighs and attached to a band around the waist.

Thankfully we were only exposed to 1, but Bill, really? lol

To spice things up a bit, Ady (next to me in coach), Peter H and Steve (Maggie) McGuire (in front) had a game of guess the arrival time when the coach stopped in the car park at the Bristol, without busting. I think I won but now I have forgotten. You should really come around sometime the long winter evenings just fly by at my place :)

After taking the wing mirrors off an Audi and a Merc, Rubik finally delivered us safely to the Bristol and man with the van, Van Diesel, aka Paul Taylor was already there with clubs and trolleys laid out. Legend.

So a blog about golf with no golf. To be continued.....